Rant

School, honestly, depresses me. I don’t know what happened. As nerdy as this sounds, I used to love school. I excelled in school. And now? Well, now, I’m struggling to get the grades that I want. The grades that I know I’m capable of but for some reason, it just seems so far out of my reach. 

Every passing week, I feel my dreams slipping further and further away. UCSD is becoming less of a possibility with my barely passing quiz scores, average midterm grades and homework that doesn’t even account for anything.

Should I aim for something lower than UCSD? Is this the education system’s way of telling me that I’m destined to fail in my chosen field? Am I not smart enough to comprehend all these subjects? It is questions like these that haunt me as I sit through lecture after lecture, take tests after tests and walk away feeling more discouraged than before. 

RANT.RANT.RANT.

Went to sleep in a bad mood, woke up in a bad mood.

• Assholes tail-gating me when I was driving to school: It’s not like I was purposely driving slow. No, the traffic was slow so that’s how I was driving. And I was following the speed limit!
• No nearby parking spots in B: But that one is whatever. I parked in C right by the stairs so it didn’t really matter.
• Calculus test: Bombed my first test in 101B :((( It was to the point where the professor said that around 63 and up is considered passing just because of the grade distribution.
• Conversation with my Calc Prof: She said that me taking Calc 101B and Phys 140 is hard work, and that it’s a lot to juggle. Then I told her I’m also taking Chem 101B, on top of working and my other class. She then proceeded to tell me that she doesn’t know how I handle it and that it’s actually too much to handle and that basically, it won’t work out. That I’m going to struggle and not do well just because I’m taking three major science classes.
• Physics homework: I understand nothing in Physics. I hate physics. I don’t understand why I need to take that class when I’m majoring in Chem.
• History Discussion: We discussed the Grammy’s. And since I was too busy working on Chem, I didn’t get to watch it. And I was sad hearing about all the performances so I started tuning out. Because I started tuning out, I started thinking about shit I shouldn’t be.
• Physics Office Hours: I felt so stupid because other people can actually follow the professor’s explanation even though he skips steps. And they can actually fill in the blanks and understand. And there I was, sitting trying to comprehend and failing miserably. 
• Physics lecture: As if physics wasn’t difficult enough, all the problems we work with are word problems. 
• You: I’m getting tired of your hot-and-cold personality toward me. It’s like, one minute you decide to converse with me then a couple of hours after our conversation, pretend like we’re complete strangers then two hours after that, feign concern at the fact that I’m having a bad day. I had hoped we’d at least be friends but apparently, that’s not going to happen.
• Overthinking: I hate, hate, hate the fact that I ended up thinking about this throughout the day. It’s at its worst on certain days but of course that’s a given. I feel like knowing exactly what happened will help me get over it but since that’s not a possibility, … I don’t know. It makes getting over something a lot harder. Hmm, reminds me of the saying, “Change what you can’t accept, accept what you can’t change” … Yeah, it definitely falls in the latter category.
• The Vow: I kinda really wanna have someone to watch this movie with. Okay, this one … I laugh at myself for it. Haha. But I really do wanna watch it in the theaters. 

Blah, today was just horrible. I’m glad it’s over in a half an hour. 

Yeah, okay… You’re calling me a brat? Before you start critiquing my words and my actions and calling me names, you should look in the mirror first. Because trust me, you’re not exactly a saint. So stop acting like you’re so mature and considerate. We both know it’s just a facade.